Posted by: agapeflower | May 7, 2009

Welcome to the Rodeo

Sometimes, God knocks you out.  He lays you out like a sucker, breaks you the way a wild horse needs to be broken.  It’s happened to me before, and it happened to me again the other day.  I was so broken by just the amount of fear I had, all of the uncertainty about the future.  We’re literally living day by day, and it’s so…terrifying.  (The irony is, of course, is that is how God intended us to live it.)

I’m someone who needs security, who likes to know when things are coming up and how to get ready for something, how to set it in order.  And life right now is just…not secure (at least, not in the way I would expect it to be).  Honestly, not only is it scary, but…it also makes me angry sometimes.

So it all came to a head the other day.  I got upset, and I prayed just to be able to understand what God is doing and where things are going.  And so I opened up my Bible randomly (I love doing that) to John 11, the raising of Lazarus.

I think there were a few things Jesus wanted to point out to me.  One being the obvious (sure, there’s a “delay,” but His timing is perfect to show His glory); but also something else.

I was particularly struck by Martha’s conversation with Jesus.  She acknowledges that Jesus has the power to heal her brother, but still submits to the knowledge and her faith that Jesus is the Messiah, in spite of the anger she feels over His not being there – on her terms, in her time-frame.  I felt as though God was asking me to believe the way Martha did, no matter how much it hurt her.

And through gritted teeth, I did the same.  I said to Him that I would trust in Him, the hardest thing I felt I had to do because it truly is such a leap of faith for me.  I won’t lie: it hurt.  It was physically painful, that brokenness.  And it wasn’t like the minute I acquiesed the phone rang off its hook with job offers for me.  But that’s okay.  I felt that God was telling me it was going to be okay.  It’s a lesson I need to learn.

This day-by-day thing…it’s funny, because I have seen some changes in recent weeks.  My relationship with my husband has been absolutely fantastic.  We laugh more together, we spend more time together, and we cherish it.  I’ve also been a bit more productive with a project I’m working on, which excites me.  And I have more hope, which is always a good thing.

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